I’m Probably Going to Die

On The Wagon- Day 1

I decided to make a list of reasons not to drink wine. I decided this last night when I had a headache and heartburn (from wine). Right now I feel pretty good and although I am not drinking (wine), I’m thinking about it (wine, that is), later on tonight… have a glass of that primo shiraz in the big box on my little bar… no prob…
But no. I’m going to make my list aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand HEREWEGO:
  • Hangover: 
    • Varying from no sleep little, to headache, to PLEASE KILL ME WITH A ROCK.
  • Hangover at work: 
    • Since I am not independently wealthy (please see above reference to box wine) I still have to go to work feeling wretched, bloated, bitchy and corpse-like. Co-workers are are overjoyed. 
  • Anti-social behavior: 
    • Here’s the routine:stop at store on way home from work, buy wine/smokes and groceries, get home, pour wine, sit on balcony with tablet and drink (wine!) and chain smoke for about 3-4 hours. Every night. Every. Night. 
  • Calories
    • 120 in a glass (like, a normal person’s glass, not one of mine) and 600 in a bottle and about 70 million in a box. I actually resemble the wine bag inside box.
  • Starting to look weird
    • Blotchy/greyish
    • Wrinkly/decrepit
    • Hair falling out- that might be my imagination
  • Depression
  • Body turning into jello-y sack from not going to gym (see Hangover & Calories)
  • Projects not completed:
    • Have decorated living room around enormous unopened boxes of Ikea shelving
    • 6 cans of paint unopened in garage, sadly waiting for their day to come
    • Back yard resembles episode of “Life After People” 
  • Becoming Hermit-like
    • Reject all suggestions of parties as I don’t want to deal with “people in my house”. 
  • Eating very bad things
    • EX: tortilla with microwaved American cheese for ad hoc quesadilla
    • EX: half a box of crackers with cream cheese
    • EX: just cheese by itself
    • EX: delivery pizza (too drunk to cook or drive)
      • side of mozzarella sticks (more cheese)
  • Expense
    • Just calculated approximate expense for one year of wine & cigarettes= $3200
      • Things that amount will buy:
        • Week long vacation on sunny beach for entire family
        • Hot tub
        • Designer hand bag
        • BRAND NEW set: Samsung Activewash Washer with built in sink and matching 7.4 cubic ft dryer with steam plus laundry room makeover
        • New master bath shower with tile
So that’s a pretty good start, I’d say. 
But what about death? Didn’t I mention my IMPENDING DEMISE???
This is what I think about at the end of the night while I’m gagging down my handful of pills so I can sleep (1 allergy, 1 unisom, 3 valerian or melatonin, 1 antacid, 4 ibuprofen, 1 mucinex):
I’m going to die. 
And I’m probably not actually going to die, but maybe just get to the point where I wish I was dead. NO worries! Not there yet, still kicking and existing to spite my adversaries and all. But it’s not like you can live like this forever and not PAY THE PRICE FOR YOUR FOLLY. 
I can’t snap back from a bender. I’m not “snappy” anymore. 
These things are more likely to happen than death:
  • Cancer (pick one! I’ve got about 6 that are more likely right now)
  • Face will blow up with horrifying bulbous nose and neon gin blossoms
  • Ikea Billy shelving will NEVER GET PUT TOGETHER and will be sold in boxes with house.
  • Gain 20lbs per year until My 600 Lb Life producers knock on door
  • Give up on all vanity and let hair go grey, growing out of scalp like silvery beanie
I will reflect on these things tonight….

12 thoughts on “I’m Probably Going to Die

      1. I started June 2. June 1st, I was tearing it up. By which, I actually mean “pathetically drinking glass after glass of ‘healthy’ wine while watching shit tv and eating cold pizza.”


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