Road Ragin’ and also Beautiful Things

I have a few things to work on now that I’m off the sauce and have a lot more spare time. Quite a few, really. A VERY LARGE NUMBER of them.

One of them is road rage- I’ve got it, got it bad. I’m the asshole you see in your rear-view mirror who’s mouthing unkind comments about your ability to operate a vehicle, how you might possibly be drunk/high, and also musings about WHY YOU ARE DRIVING SO SLOWLY OMG.

I drive a biggo red 4×4 Yukon so it’s a little scary when I’m breathing up your li’l Honda’s tailpipe. I try not to be aggressive to the point of being dangerous, and tend to back off a little once I feel I’ve MADE MY POINT about your ostensibly shitty driving.

Didn’t signal your lane change? I SAW THAT. What’s wrong does it COST MONEY TO TURN YOUR BLINKER ON? And also, sarcasm- Thanks! It was so NICE to know which way you were turning:)

Driving under the speed limit? DRIVE SLOWER!

Rolled a stop sign?? I guess you’re too BUSY AND IMPORTANT to observe traffic rules.

I’ll be in the middle of a conversation and start screaming: “Yah, so we’re going to take the kids to –FUCKER!! YOU STUPID FUCKER!!– yah, to Sunriver this year, ya know, near Bend, we’re renting a house– WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD ARE YOU EVEN DOING???– it’s really nice, has a hot tub and cruiser bikes.”

I’m guessing it is not a super endearing trait, so I really need to, errr, tone it down. (But I’m telling you now, if you see my Yukon on the road DO NOT PRETEND like you can’t see my signal light- IS IT INVISIBLE?? –let me over and no one gets hurt.)

Now then, I have a less violent issue as well, and that is my complete lack of gardening skills. I truly suck at it. There are contributing factors (as I see them anyway) and one is that I live in NW Oregon where it rains a hell of a lot. So everything I plant looks great in March, fabulous in April, resplendent in June. Then the water stops falling from the sky and it all crumbles into dust, tumble weeds bouncing across a lonely desert, coyotes howling, buzzards circling. You get the picture.

I’ll be honest, I can’t remember to do shit. I feed the cats because they cry if I don’t. If the plants cried they’d still be alive (I’ve told them that!!)

So I am solving my black-thumb with TECHNOLOGY. Gardening INNOVATION, people.

First order of business– purchased a rotating sprinkler. Now I hear you saying, but Christina, dahling, you still have to go outside and TURN IT ON. I think I can manage to do this while feeding cats, so this action will be integrated with others already ingrained.

Next, the hanging flower pot on the porch. Is there anything more friendly and welcoming than a lovely bowl of lantanas or petunias greeting you as you approach a porch? I’ve hung a few and it, well, didn’t turn out well. When I buy a new plant to hang my husband gives me a look and say “What?” and he says, “I feel sorry for it.” *eye twitch*

No worries! TECHNOLOGY will prevail. Today I purchased a Patio Micro Drip irrigation kit from the orange store. It has all the bits to construct a series of watering lines up the wall, under the porch and over to thirsty plant-friends. It can be integrated with water lines for window boxes as well. (Memo to me, must build window boxes–project!!) Ahhh, I hear you! But you have to turn it ON…it’s okay..wait for it…

I bought a TIMER! HahahHAHAhahaHA!

So this weekend, I will not be swilling wine on the patio, rather I will be visiting some nurseries to purchase little hangy, viney, flowery plants to create hanging baskets that will be very very happy in their forever home and never need to cry (or make my husband cry in pity.)

God help you Sunday drivers on Highway 99. GET OFF YOUR PHONE.

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