My Sober App Is Scaring The Shit Out Of Me

My Sober App (sober tools) keeps track of my number of days sober and money not spent on alcohol.  (I’d like to say “money saved” but LET’S BE HONEST.) 
It also gives me helpful little messages, just random sober thoughts, and a few days ago I thought I’d  peruse them. Just for the hell of it….

HOLY FUCK!!

Here’s what I read:

My Disease is in the parking lot doing pushups

The nature of the disease of addiction is that it gets stronger even when not using. That’s why someone who picks up a drug after a period of sobriety usually has such prompt dire consequences. The reason someone thinks of picking up a drug is because of a trigger, like stress or bitterness. Someone may also be in denial after a period of sobriety, thinking that there is no longer a problem or that no problem really ever existed. This denial causes the addict to think that meetings are no longer necessary. That is why it is so important to talk to someone if you start questioning whether or not you are an addict so that you can be reminded of where your drug use took you.

It is important to do a spiritual activity as soon as possible. Prayer and connection with a recovering person is necessary. Remember sobriety is a daily reprieve and that you do need to keep up with your treatment regimen.

….

I DON’T EVEN HAVE A “REGIMEN”. Meanwhile, my addiction is apparently juicing up and pumping weights down at 24 Hour Fitness so it can go nutso with ‘roid rage and clothesline me whilst I’m  bringing in the groceries one day.

Are you kidding me?????

There was a bit of panic, the same feeling you get when someone asks how prepared you are for a natural disaster  (or in the case of Eastern Oregon, inevitable political unrest and subsequent freedom-fighting).

I totally get this: every time you fall off your wagon, it seems the wagon has grown taller. The higher your horse, the harder you hit. This happened to me before and I’m here to tell you it’s all true.

I’m not in denia right now…. but what about in a year? 2 years?  Will I wonder what the fuss was about and decide it’s time to return to normal?  Will I believe there was a normal?

This, for me, is a reminder:
It’s ok to be sober and smug, but complacency or downplaying of addiction will not fly. Not for one minute can I blithely or wistfully recall the drinking days, or look at my sobriety like it’s anything less than an amazing gift. From me to me.

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21 thoughts on “My Sober App Is Scaring The Shit Out Of Me

  1. it’s easy to romaticise drinking once you’ve stopped for a while but the reality is and will be very different, expectation versus reality is a biatch and at least some part of you is all gym junkie like and doing push-ups. ha!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Errmmm……….freedom fighting and political unrest in Oregon?? Did they remove the food trucks? only kidding….Seriously, having been off and on the wagon more often than i care to count, I am now VERY VIGILANT. Good points, but it would be nice if your sober app said happy stuff too.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hahahah! Food trucks still in place and serving hungry hungry hipsters.
      You know what, Jackie? After reading your comment I went and looked and the answer is NO, all the messages are pretty damn grim. hahah! So I’ll just log my days and ignore the other bits.

      Like

  3. Scary! For months I’ve been visualising the wine witch getting weaker and weaker as I deprive her of her fix. Right now she’s writhing on the ground, barely able to stand, knives sticking out of her like a hedgehog.

    I know that a sniff of the old vino will have her on her feet and ready to attack, but I DO NOT want to imagine her doing push-ups!!!!

    I agree with Jackie. We need a happy App not a gloomy one! That one was designed by A MAN!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hahahahhahahahhah!! SM, you’re killing me! I’m with you! That’s why I was like WHOAAAAAAA, WTF??? But we’re up in here TALKING ABOUT THIS SHIT INCESSANTLY, so surely we will not forget what it cost us to get here. On the hunt for the Happy App! Maybe I’ll design one;)

      Like

  4. This is so true! It doesn’t go away. I like the way you said “money not spent” instead of “money saved” 😉 it’s like “money spent on nicer stuff” ha ha

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know and I KNEW that I know, but didn’t think about it (because it’s obviously rather grim). Actually, I’m pretty sure I have saved SOME money. After the initial flurry to purchase NA substitutes, I’ve settled on some fairly cost effective ones (e.g., ginger ale), plus quitting smoking plus my husband quit too. I’m going to start a vacation fund with *actual* money saved!

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  5. As cravey as I get, and I can visualize myself drnking, I can’t visualize me stopping again. That is what scares me. I think my first sip will drop me off a mountain and I don’t want to climb out again.
    And YES – a happy app. Oh wait, that’s what you are! Funny in the face of addiction! Let’s laugh our way through recovery! Lori

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahahah!! Thanks, Lori! I do like to have a bit of fun! I’m with you, only when I visualize myself drinking it’s generally with a sour look on my face because YUCK!!! But I know I could get past it if I was DETERMINED to get buzzed and yep– there we are again.

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  6. It is dificult to get sober and it is even more difficult to maintain it. Look at me, I am a mess most of the time when I try to quit. I deleted from my phone so many sober apps. What the point of keeping track when I fall off the wagon all the time?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I can see where you’re coming from. For you, maybe it’s best not to focus on “# of days”, but rather how it makes you feel when you’re sober, and maybe some personal goals that will be easier to achieve that way. Everyone is different and has to do what works for them. 🙂

      Like

  7. I agree we need to laugh more in recovery!
    I wish I was funnier!
    But I do love to laugh with you!
    Who says sober can’t be fun, witty and happy.
    And in my case, my addicted self is in yoga doing sculpt classes!!!
    LOL
    I’m not even close to that!
    Scary!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi, Wendy! If I can’t have fun it’s time for me to hang it up. I must say, I have had A LOT of sober fun, now and the last time I was dry. It was not boring and it was not sad or depressing and I’m OBVIOUSLY NOT STUFFY. Because I’ve already done a lot of things sober (concerts, festivals, parties, fancy dinners, dancing) I know for a fact that I’m not missing out on any fun by not drinking.

      Are you doing like body sculpting yoga?? That sounds intriguing…

      Like

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