Christina White

Wherein I Am Finally Confronted By Demon Alcohol

Hello from the Oregon Outback! I am traveling this week for work and find myself in a so-so hotel with a dead bug in the tub and no ice (for me, not the bug).

Went out to dinner with colleague and she ordered wine because APPARENTLY THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE DRINK. I wouldn’t know because I have not been near anyone who was drinking alcohol since I quit, mostly because I am a hermit. But largely because everyone in my house is sober,too.

So I haven’t smelled it since the last time I drank it. OMG! It just hit my nose, I wasn’t expecting it. And I while I didn’t think it smelled particularly good, it certainly smelled familiar. And then I thought, well, look at her, enjoying her one little glass of wine over there, just sipping away. I could be doing that, I could be enjoying that…but then I was like YEAH, RIGHT!!!

I could maybe get away with that tonight, but then I’d get home Thursday, stop at the store, pick up a bottle, might as well grab a pack of smokes while I’m at it.

It’s just a tiny stray thought but that’s enough to bring me down. One little glass probably would have undone my entire sober summer, 4 1/2 months. UNDONE. Like it never happened.

Not worth it. Not remotely. It’s just wine. It’s not fucking ambrosia.

I’m in my hotel bed with my tea, hoping the tub-bug’s cousins are not close by.

Posted in alcohol, sobrietyTagged , , 15 Comments

15 thoughts on “Wherein I Am Finally Confronted By Demon Alcohol”

  1. Good, very good. Proud of you my friend! I think I can handle one glass or two. Max. But then again, we all know how we eventually end up. Great decision. You will feel so much better about it today.

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    1. It was weird, and unexpected. I guess I’ve been fairly sheltered. But have to be a big girl and realize that it’s our there and I have to deal with it. But yes, one glass leads to 6, and thought of starting over is dreadful. Thanks TATB! You are also doing really well!

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  2. That is the craziness of the thinking. If we could actually handle one or two glasses, we wouldn’t be blogging.
    Also, who wants one glass? Not me. Never me. I always wanted more.

    Good noticing. I always find its these odd encounters that throw me a bit. Especially free wine. For some reason it always feels hard to turn down.

    But I do. Because it’s not really free. It’s the most costly drink there is.

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  3. Well done you, you did amazing 😊 it’s hard when faced with it there, just within your grasp, teasing you, claiming its ok to have just one or two, but your strong enough now to not do that, to know the price of that one free glass is incalculable because of where it will lead to.
    I too was faced with (red) wine ooen on a counter this weekend, suprised that I didn’t go there either, but that too was a shock when the smell hit as it really turned my stomach (especially as second hand drunken breath ….. eeeyukkkk) being around drinkers for the first time since quitting worked out ok but only cause they were particularly heavy drinkers, dont know how easy it would have been had they been light/normies so I have massive admiration for how you got through.

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    1. Well then, good for US! I gotta say, it was a bit more than I thought it would be. I was all smug sober UNTIL IT’S IN FRONT OF ME. hahahahh! Let’s have a high five, shall we? *smack* Not a fist-bump, but a good fashioned high five, like back in the day!

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  4. Good for you for working through the reality of “one glass” besides, probably would have tasted like poop anyway 🙂 bed and tea sounds much more pleasant.

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  5. Hi Betty!
    I used to call that voice, “My Evil Little Liar Voice”!!
    So glad you got past that.
    I don’t want to start all over again, either!
    Ugh.
    xo
    Wendy

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  7. The memories….

    I watched the film Philomena when I was at least ten years sober. Guinness was my preferred weapon of self destruction for much of my drinking life. There is a bit in the film that is quiet important – Steve Coogan who is playing Martin Sixsmith the journalist looks at the pint of Guinness in it’s glass. There that moment as the focus is put on that pint of black stuff I can taste, smell and even feel it going from my lips through my mouth, over my tongue, down the throat…. Funny I’ve not eaten certain sweets etc in my life for long periods of time – I’d have a memory of them but the level of that memory the intensity it was in me and that seriously I could all but believe I was drinking it was near overwhelming. It was truly like I was remembering the greatest lover I’ve had in my life. Just another reminder that my relationship with alcohol has never, ever been purely a platonic one!

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