Here’s How It Would Go and Happy Accidents

I had a fairly ROUGH WEEK at work. I knew it was going to be rough last weekend and I ACTIVELY DREADED SAID WEEK. Somehow– I got through this week and now it’s Friday and of course I’m tired and was sitting (here where I am now but it was an hour ago) and I was in one of those dazes you get into when you have a ROUGH WEEK.  And you’re worn out and your mind hurts and you don’t want to talk and you’re bored all at the same time and you’re a loose end and you don’t know what to do with yourself and then your little lizard brain goes, “Hey! I know what you could do that would take NO EFFORT AT ALL.” Mhmmmmm. And just like that I saw myself with a glass of the devil’s saliva.

I decided that instead of being horrified which was my initial reaction I’d just “go with the thought process” and see where it took me. Here’s how it went in my head:

*dream sequence music*

I drove to the store near my house and purchased not one but two boxes of wine (probably Boda, most likely shiraz) because they were probably on sale and this is only Friday and I wouldn’t want to run out.

I also bought cigarettes since I would need them, probably also two packs.

I came home (in my mind I didnt need to drive so I’m skipping that part and teleporting to store and back) poured a glass of wine. And another. And another. I thought about for a second and decided it would be a total of four (large full wineglasses, of the 8oz variety). I saw them lined up.

Then I followed the evening to its logical conclusion:

  • I’m completely wasted by about 8pm.
  • I try desparately not to pass out at 8pm.
  • I try to not act like I’m not totaly wasted.
  • I end up going to bed at 10 (and then passing out) after having taken a handful of pain meds and sleeping pills and heartburn pills.
  • I wake up at 3am wanting to die with my heart racing.
  • I wake up tomorrow with a thumping headache and raging bowels and an ashtray mouth and the stench of shame.

And THAT is the definition of a ROUGH DAY.

*dream sequence music*

So that was it. At no time during my little exercise did it even CROSS MY MIND that I’d “just have a glass”. I would not bother with one tiny, puny, ridiculous glass, no! I have no intention of EVER drinking one glass. I know exactly what I’m going to do if I do it and I know for a fact: that’s how it would go. So that’s good info. So now of course I’m drinking tea. Niiiiiiice.

Okay and now I have a tale that COULD HAVE BEEN SAD but it isn’t. Tuesday night the teen knocked on my door and said, “I need your assistance.” If you have a teen you are probably cringing right now because teens don’t ask for help unless a) they don’t really need it, or b) they have FUCKED SOMETHING UP REALLY BADLY and need you bail them out.

And bail I did, because my washer was chock full (loaded to the gunwales, if you will) with tiny teen laundry articles and it was full of water and it wasn’t draining. No amount of re-setting/re-starting would start the spin cycle, I could hear the pump motor trying to suck water out then could I smell the motor burning. Yeeeeee. The washer had actually done this to me a month ago and I somehow got the spin going on it, but it was clearly living on borrowed time…pretending everything was okay…but dying on the inside…

So we pulled out 8000 tiny teen garments and hand squoze them so they might have some chance of drying sometime this week. Then I bailed out the water, tried a few more fruitless tricks, and closed her up.

I then found my husband and informed him that the washer was deceased, and additionally deader than a door nail, and also pushing up daisies, and furthermore had recently BOUGHT THE FARM (RIP) and that what we were talking about here was a LATE WASHER and then of course….

….I began A FRANTIC DANCE OF JOY because I have been wanting to replace those fugly dinosaur appliances with a beautiful stacked set for 4 years (since I moved into my house- they were here when I moved in.) But I couldn’t justify it because they still WORKED FINE. Now they work NOT. (Well, I guess the dryer was still working…it was probably yelling, “I’m not dead yet!” as it was dragged out the door…hahahha)

So I ordered the stackable front loader washer and dryer set (in white- not red, I’m still frugal, dammit) that I’d been stalking since I got my Black Friday email last weekend. After a bit of a comedy of errors they were installed last night with minimal damage to my carpet (delivery guy assured me I could just “vacuum that up” — after the mud dried).

I love them SO MUCH.  Those two are perfect for eachother, unlike the previous odd-couple that lurked in laundry room, not really a good match, barely able to stand each other all these years, staying together for the socks…

The dryer sings me a little song when it’s finished. The washer has a “quick” cycle. The clothes are practically dry from the spin. I’m giddy. I have not bought a new washer and dryer in 20 years: people, this is BIG.

So a happy accident indeed!!

Right now I’m enjoying my NO glasses of wine as opposed to 4+ and shall soon be enjoying doing more laundry (has that sentenced every been uttered by a human??) specifically a really large comforter that was a “challenge” for the former inadequate duo (RIP).

I hope everyone is gearing up for a decent weekend! I think we’re finally getting some sunshine so maybe a bike ride for moi!






33 thoughts on “Here’s How It Would Go and Happy Accidents

  1. Ha! The devil’ saliva! I nearly ordered a glass of wine at dinner last night. I hadn’t thought about it, hadn’t planned too and didn’t really want to. But I suddenly had a thought about how normal it would be.

    I didn’t and as I watched the woman next to me sip her wine (and leave some behind- WTF) I realized that I could never have one.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ha…that’s the second time this week I’ve hit send before I finished my thought…anyway I agree with you 100% there’s no way that “just one” will end well for us.
    I hope next week at work is better for you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ha ha. I like be that.
    This is when ordinary life brings that spark of pleasure! And think, you were able to help the teen without drama. Dealing with my kids is so much easier now.

    Ps. My washer and dryer are red. The ones that came with our house lasted about 10 years. When they died, I was adamant I needed red. Lol

    Not that anyone sees them. They are in a closed room.

    One is definitely a joke. Nice thinking!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Huh-zah to you, a made-it-through-the-Big-week-victory, being sober for TeenTime, and happy accidents! Wow. Lots happening for you. Thank you for the detailed play by play, too. Definitely a great reminder. I just never know when those thoughts will ambush me.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey you! You made it through the rough week – and through the dream (nightmare) sequence Yay!! I feel your pain – teenagers with their teeny clothes. At least your teenage was washing more than one teeny garment….then putting it in the dryer for a WHOLE HOUR….it’s no wonder our appliances die young xx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Loved this fabulous writing, Betty! In the UK washers and dryers ALWAYS come in white (and are known as ‘white goods’). Am thrown by the idea of being able to choose RED! We’re far too conservative over here for that kind of laundry-anarchy! Big hugs to you, SM x

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m picturing the installers taking away the old dryer and it’s saying “I’m not dead yet…I’m feeling better…” in its best Monty Python voice! Best post of the week!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Kinda a combo of the dead parrot sketch and The Holy Grail plague scene – two of my favorites! Now, if you could have just worked in the spam song or “I’m a lumberjack” in there somewhere….

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Oh how easily I forget the trying to hang on through the evening showing I’m not as bad as you all think I am whereas really I just want to collapse – well preferably after another 2 or 3 to allow the black out to just take over. But then… 3am well 3:05 or 3:06 but awake, head pounding, dehydrated, feeling just awful. Can’t get back to sleep and hating myself (again) for doing this.

    I was ill last week – some viral thing that meant I was feverish and sweaty and I kept waking up just as I was dropping off… so reminiscent of those horrendous old days.

    Liked by 1 person

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