Here’s How It Would Go and Happy Accidents

I had a fairly ROUGH WEEK at work. I knew it was going to be rough last weekend and I ACTIVELY DREADED SAID WEEK. Somehow– I got through this week and now it’s Friday and of course I’m tired and was sitting (here where I am now but it was an hour ago) and I was in one of those dazes you get into when you have a ROUGH WEEK.  And you’re worn out and your mind hurts and you don’t want to talk and you’re bored all at the same time and you’re a loose end and you don’t know what to do with yourself and then your little lizard brain goes, “Hey! I know what you could do that would take NO EFFORT AT ALL.” Mhmmmmm. And just like that I saw myself with a glass of the devil’s saliva.

I decided that instead of being horrified which was my initial reaction I’d just “go with the thought process” and see where it took me. Here’s how it went in my head:

*dream sequence music*

I drove to the store near my house and purchased not one but two boxes of wine (probably Boda, most likely shiraz) because they were probably on sale and this is only Friday and I wouldn’t want to run out.

I also bought cigarettes since I would need them, probably also two packs.

I came home (in my mind I didnt need to drive so I’m skipping that part and teleporting to store and back) poured a glass of wine. And another. And another. I thought about for a second and decided it would be a total of four (large full wineglasses, of the 8oz variety). I saw them lined up.

Then I followed the evening to its logical conclusion:

• I’m completely wasted by about 8pm.
• I try desparately not to pass out at 8pm.
• I try to not act like I’m not totaly wasted.
• I end up going to bed at 10 (and then passing out) after having taken a handful of pain meds and sleeping pills and heartburn pills.
• I wake up at 3am wanting to die with my heart racing.
• I wake up tomorrow with a thumping headache and raging bowels and an ashtray mouth and the stench of shame.

And THAT is the definition of a ROUGH DAY.

*dream sequence music*

So that was it. At no time during my little exercise did it even CROSS MY MIND that I’d “just have a glass”. I would not bother with one tiny, puny, ridiculous glass, no! I have no intention of EVER drinking one glass. I know exactly what I’m going to do if I do it and I know for a fact: that’s how it would go. So that’s good info. So now of course I’m drinking tea. Niiiiiiice.

Okay and now I have a tale that COULD HAVE BEEN SAD but it isn’t. Tuesday night the teen knocked on my door and said, “I need your assistance.” If you have a teen you are probably cringing right now because teens don’t ask for help unless a) they don’t really need it, or b) they have FUCKED SOMETHING UP REALLY BADLY and need you bail them out.

And bail I did, because my washer was chock full (loaded to the gunwales, if you will) with tiny teen laundry articles and it was full of water and it wasn’t draining. No amount of re-setting/re-starting would start the spin cycle, I could hear the pump motor trying to suck water out then could I smell the motor burning. Yeeeeee. The washer had actually done this to me a month ago and I somehow got the spin going on it, but it was clearly living on borrowed time…pretending everything was okay…but dying on the inside…

So we pulled out 8000 tiny teen garments and hand squoze them so they might have some chance of drying sometime this week. Then I bailed out the water, tried a few more fruitless tricks, and closed her up.

I then found my husband and informed him that the washer was deceased, and additionally deader than a door nail, and also pushing up daisies, and furthermore had recently BOUGHT THE FARM (RIP) and that what we were talking about here was a LATE WASHER and then of course….

….I began A FRANTIC DANCE OF JOY because I have been wanting to replace those fugly dinosaur appliances with a beautiful stacked set for 4 years (since I moved into my house- they were here when I moved in.) But I couldn’t justify it because they still WORKED FINE. Now they work NOT. (Well, I guess the dryer was still working…it was probably yelling, “I’m not dead yet!” as it was dragged out the door…hahahha)

So I ordered the stackable front loader washer and dryer set (in white- not red, I’m still frugal, dammit) that I’d been stalking since I got my Black Friday email last weekend. After a bit of a comedy of errors they were installed last night with minimal damage to my carpet (delivery guy assured me I could just “vacuum that up” — after the mud dried).

I love them SO MUCH.  Those two are perfect for eachother, unlike the previous odd-couple that lurked in laundry room, not really a good match, barely able to stand each other all these years, staying together for the socks…

The dryer sings me a little song when it’s finished. The washer has a “quick” cycle. The clothes are practically dry from the spin. I’m giddy. I have not bought a new washer and dryer in 20 years: people, this is BIG.

So a happy accident indeed!!

Right now I’m enjoying my NO glasses of wine as opposed to 4+ and shall soon be enjoying doing more laundry (has that sentenced every been uttered by a human??) specifically a really large comforter that was a “challenge” for the former inadequate duo (RIP).

I hope everyone is gearing up for a decent weekend! I think we’re finally getting some sunshine so maybe a bike ride for moi!