Christina White

Shut Up, Doris

So drinky-lady was in the car with me on the ride home from work today. You know in those episodes of A Haunting when the person is telling the ghost story and in the re-enactment the person is driving in a car and all of a sudden the ghost du jour suddenly appears all scarily in the rear view mirror?? Ok, it was like that.

It’s because I’m tired. Today I traveled for work (3 hour round trip in the rain), had one 20 minute break in which I ate a rice cake and cheese stick, then spent the rest of the day on a ladder inside a ceiling. I’m not whining (well, technically I am ACTUALLY WHINING) but it’s not my point- my point is, I’m tired. And when I was drinking, if I was so tired I couldn’t think, couldn’t speak, couldn’t eat- I’d drink. Because it’s fairly simple to pull off, and it requires very little coordination (hence all my broken wine glasses).

So I’m driving home from work and drinky-lady pops into my head and says, “Say! You’re going to be pretty fucking worthless for the rest of the day annnnyway…wouldn’t a bottle of wine just be SO NICE??”

Now, drinky-lady (let’s call her Doris, shall we? ) Doris has been with me, lo, these many years and (as you all probably know from experience with your own Dorises) you can’t always just blow her off. Sometimes you can, but in most cases Doris dislikes being DISMISSED and she’ll just keep NAGGING MY ASS.

So I’m all, “Doris. Tell me mooooore. Tell me all about how awesome this bottle of wine is going to be for me. Tell me ALL ABOUT IT.” So she does! And she’s all, yah, you can pull over at that gas station right there, yah there, coming up on the right, and they have CIGARETTES TOO, because won’t that be nice with the wine. And you can sit on the balcony and just chill out (it’s 40 degrees BTW) and…………wait you missed it, it’s there, right there, no, back there…..hey, heeeeeeeyyyyyyyy….

And I just go so bored I forgot she was talking. YOU’RE A HACK, DORIS.

I tried really hard to concentrate on the feeling, really go with it and not fight it…and after about two minutes I just started thinking about other things- should I make fried rice when I get home? Or maybe I should make a hamburger, yah, that sounds good….

So when your Doris comes a-knockin’ (and you KNOW she will) maybe all you need to do is let her babble and it won’t take you long to realize that she’s utterly and completely FULL OF SHIT.

 

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52 thoughts on “Shut Up, Doris”

  4. Well, my first response to rice cake & cheese stick was “Get an F*ing burger already!!!” Which I see you did finally do. My Doris is a hungry bitch (Pardon my swears) She needs to eat every 2 hours or the blood sugar falls and I am CRANKY. I wanted wine so bad last night but I did one of my “doing things” instead. I wouldn’t recommend it unless you want to stay sober. So, I did something instead of drinking. And…Mr. Schwans Man makes a fully cooked hamburger for emergency consumption that works just as easily for cranky teenage boys or their nutcase mother and he brings me those burgers every other Monday night when resistence is futile. Great, it’s 5 am and I’m jonesing for a burger. What was the point of your post again?

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    1. Um, burger?? So no, not my preferred lunch. Those were actually my snacks, I didn’t have time to go for actual lunch so I made the best of it. And for the record I heated up some Indian curry and rice from Costco.
      🙂 But I really want a burger NOWWWWW.

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  7. I need a good name the drunk lady in my head.
    Wow…after I typed that I googled “Drunk Lady Names”. There is actually a quiz you can take. http://www.buzzfeed.com/floperry/what-should-your-drunk-name-be#.xczoNnjNN.

    “You got: Gertrude
    Oh dear, you’re a Gertrude. When you become Gertrude everybody should take a step back, because Gertrude is here to say what sober you would never. Sober you swallowed down the fact that you feel underappreciated at work; Gertrude had a bit of a cry about it at the Christmas party, didn’t she?”

    Perfect. I will call her Trudie for short

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  10. I couldn’t resist, I took the drunk name test, and I got Violet……Vi for short. So, when Vi comes calling…….it’s will be …”Vi, you gotta die”…..Lol. Great post Betty. (I really thought for the first sentences that you had an actual drunk person in the car with you…)

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  12. Doris is the sort that gives you an air kiss, calls you darling and then stabs you in the back. Bye-Bye Doris, don;t let the door hit you on the way out.

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      1. after ordering the most expensive things on the menu of course, she also gives you unsolicited advice about how much better off you’d be with different hair/clothes/car/life etc. Tsk tsk Doris.

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  16. Hey Betty! That’s pretty fucking brilliant! In Rational Recovery, they call her The Beast (a man wrote it) . But mine is definitely is a drinky lady. She’s not real attractive either. She visited last night and had me convinced just one martini would not only fit into my weight loss plan,(clear liquid, no carbs!) but be medicinal and fun for the marriage! Luckily, I called the Bear and he said, “No, I’m not drinking tonight.” Which simultaneously pissed both me and drinky lady off. But we made it. Went home and took a bath and listened to a good book on Audible. But your words were stabilizing I n putting that gaspy feeling into perspective. Loved your comment that she steals. She lies too and doesn’t smell very good either.

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    1. Hello, my friend! Oh that bitch, good for you kicking her to the curb. NOT EASY, but I’ll bet you were happy you did it the next day. No carbs, just REGRET. Hahahhah! So the Bear is on board, eh? Excellent! So happy to see you here:)

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  17. Haha loved this. I always picture mine as some kinda cute beanie boo (the toys with the massive eyes..) or have you seen avenue q? The bad idea bears. Haha soft toy pushers.
    Betty 1 – Doris 0

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  18. Oh I remember that bloody voice in my head – drove me nuts! Somewhere about 9months to a year in he got really annoyed since I’d got so good at just ignoring him so he stopped… now the little git waits and waits with the patience of Job for just the moment when something makes me feel up or down or around and around and he pops up saying “Hey! You remember me. How great it was in the old days with a beer in your hand and a lie on your lips? How about one more like that for old times sake.” Cunning little sod he is

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  19. I call my voice Wanda. She comes and visits and sometimes she stays. She can be very persuasive. That bitch! I hope one day I’ll figure out how to kick her ass.
    Word does it to me too. Stress, tiredness. It gets to me. I need to lear to just deal with it, ride it out. Sober!

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    1. Yes! Ride it out! There is no other way to do this without it totally sucking the first 4-6 weeks. It’s so seriously shitty sometime but so worth it once you get past the beginning.
      Wanda, like Doris, is an asshole. And must not be entertained:)

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  20. Jeff and Rolando, the champagne and whiskey guys respectively, tuned into your story. They’re inspired by Doris’s efforts and have each started their campaigns.

    My only hope is they try to outspend each other and their campaigns collapse underneath them.

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