Wherein I Am Nearly Undone By Tomato Paste…

Or lack thereof.

So, earlier tonight, I’m getting ready to make pizzas, on account of it’s pizza night (as previously designated last week ) and I get my jar of home-canned sauce which requires a bit of tomato paste to thicken it and FUCK IF I DON’T HAVE ANY.

So I tear the cabinet apart looking for that tiny can. I go out to the garage and paw through the pantry hoping to catch a glimpse of that little jewel, but of course I KNOW it’s not out there. I return to the kitchen cabinet and look AGAIN…just in case that little fucker had been in hiding and decided to show finally itself, “Here I aaaaaammmm!” *singing*

But no. No paste. At this point I’m sitting on the floor in front of the open cabinet (I steal a look inside every few seconds) and I’m all WOE IS ME….HOW WILL I MAKE MY SAUCE FOR MY PIZZA?? *violins* Then I start thinking I’m going to have to drive to the GROCERY STORE! (it’s less than 3 minutes drive) and I’m SOOOO TIRED…and I don’t want to goooooo….and I was just generally flipping the fuck out. In my mind. On the floor.

So I consult the Great Oracle Google regarding a method to thicken my tomato sauce without paste, and mostly what I’m seeing is to reduce it (by simmering for a long time.) THANKS A LOT, INTERNET. I certainly couldn’t have come up with that all by myself. Of course you can reduce it. BUT I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT. I HAVE TO MAKE PIZZA GODDAMMIT.

Finally after about 5 mins (this nonsense really didn’t take up that much time) I said to myself: “Look, You! That sauce is not going to COOK ITSELF, just put it on the stove. And get off the floor. You look ridiculous.”

So I did that. And the sauce was fine. And the pizzas were tasty, as pizzas are. And we all came through it okay and NO ONE DIED FROM IT. I turned myself inside out over ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

It nearly drove me to pour a glass of NON ALCOHOLIC WINE.

Shit happens. Sometimes it’s rabbit turds and sometimes it’s a Great Dane dookie. But for the most part, no one is going to: die, be maimed, lose their livelihood or reputation over said crap-storm.

This is when Doris, the drinky-lady,  is lurking outside the kitchen window, because she’s a busy body and she’s getting ready to bust in and suggest that you might want to SLUG A FEW BACK to deal with the anxiety caused by [insert imagined disaster]. And of course borrow your waffle maker (which she will NOT return in good condition!!)

But we don’t have to listen to Doris. We can shoo her out the door, and simply bid ourselves GET UP OFF THE FLOOR, STUPID, and put our sauce on the stove (and not in our glasses). Whatever it is, it’s probably going to be fine.



22 thoughts on “Wherein I Am Nearly Undone By Tomato Paste…

  1. Hahahahaah! Doris the Drunky Lady. Love the visual. Isn’t she a pain in the ass? My Drunky person is a dude named Wülfy. He is super fat and greasy and stinky with sweaty pit marks and lurks in pornography shops. And he has alcohol and cigarettes on his breath (in addition to, you know, general halitosis) when he leans in and says, “hey baby, let papa buy you a drink!” Horrifying. Yet effective.

    I am glad you were strong during your moment of overwhelm. They strike at the most inoportune moments and sometimes over tiny things. Sitting down on the floor to catch your breath and level your head is totally legit. If I am at work, I lock myself into a bathroom or hide in the morgue. If at home, I hide in bed under blankets. Any place where I can reduce overstimulation and just breathe. So I promise you, you didn’t look ridiculous. Doris looks ridiculous. I mean, a sequined bandeau top? It’s 40 degrees, bitch! And we could totally have lived without seeing your FUPA. 😉

    Living to fight another day my friend! Xoxo J

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You know, I had never considered hiding in the morgue and yet it sounds really effective! There wasn’t really a point that I considered drinking, that’s been off the table for a long time. But I still have the paralyzing moments where IT’S ALL FUCKED UP WHAT NOW, as we all do. They usually work themselves out:) BTW I know you’re a pizza-maker, I made a 100% whole wheat crust with Bob’s Red Mill flour. It was different, but we liked it.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Oh yum! I will have to try it. Preferably not charred to an unrecognizable crisp this time.

        The morgue is awesome.


  2. Oh my! I have SO done this(: Not with tomato paste though haha It’s weird how LOUD that shouty voice can be, making mountains out of molehills, when really we just need to GET UP OFF THE FLOOR haha Glad the pizza turned out good!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. For me, those “points” almost always come after a period of not eating.
    Clearly low blood sugar takes me down quickly.

    In hindsight it’s almost comical to,think just how distressing a lack of tomato paste can get. But that’s life, I guess.


    Liked by 2 people

      1. I don’t believe I’ve shared my adult tantrum – wear idea with you! I can’t believe it. I personally would like a full bunny suit. Then I could either sit on the living room floor and cry or drop on my belly in the grocery store and pound my fists. Super versatile.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Glad the pizzas came out OK! Yes that lady who tells you it would be a good idea to drink just needs to be shooed out of the kitchen very quickly! Even when I have had a genuine crisis like a nervous breakdown it would have got much worse if I’d picked up a drink! Sobriety helps you cope with lack of pizza sauce, as your post so humorously proves, as well as many other eventualities…

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow…my wine-demon-voice never wanted to borrow my waffle maker, just my soul. Betty I love your blog…I can’t tell you how many times a week I have those moments and how frigging awesome it is that I snap out of it and get back to earth pretty quickly these days.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Haha – this reminded of of a scene from Julie & Julia when ‘Julie” has a melt down over aspic. About three times this week, I’ve been about to throw a major wobbly because i can’t find something…”WHERE THE FUCK IS MY…oh, there it is” …but these days I can laugh. Being sober is SO AWESOME xx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I like your style! I was looking for some humor before my day 1 exhaustion overwhelms me and I found it. Thanks for showing me a great way to handle anxiety. Don’t take it so seriously! I tend to find excuses to drink over just about anything and this really helps me to see my little traumas in a new light.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I do like to have a good time. Yes! I know what you mean. But I’m here to tell you all of the “emergencies” will be resolved:) Happy I could give you some encouragement. Good luck, stick with it, you won’t be sorry!!


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