Just needed to convince myself I was doing the right thing.
Greetings, sober blog citizens! Since I’ve begun to actually bore myself with how DAMNED BUSY I am, I won’t bring it up again. But I will mention that I’ve been feeling the squeeze of stress. It’s leaching into my dreams where I endlessly answer electrical code questions or fruitlessly attempt to perform my job and then I a) wake feeling like I never left work and b) just want to yell FUUUUUUUUCK the minute I realize I have to wake up.
This isn’t new, this “fuuuuuuck”-upon-waking. I really dislike waking up. It makes me cranky. Lately the FUW has been coupled with an instant stress explosion that pops me out of bed with my eyes bugging THE HELL OUT. Fortunately, no one else is awake to be completely horrified.
But then tonight while I was driving to my class on the freeway I decided to play some music, specifically the Wailin’ Jennys. About midway through the second song, I unclenched. That light-hearted lady-folk just knocked me out of my stupid stress loop.
What the fuck was I worried about? I don’t even remember now. I didn’t even realize how squinched up I was until I relaxed. There’s always shit to worry about. It will get done– OR MAYBE IT WON’T. It’s not worth having a vein pop out of my skull. Am I right??
So in my moment of acoustic guitar and stand up bass (with the fiddle poured down on it like sweeeet syrup..mmmhmmmmm) I had some clarity: I do my best. I can’t control everything. But it’s still going to be fine.
So I’m feeling better tonight. I don’t drink anymore, so that wasn’t an option. But it would have been a little less than a year ago. I would have DROWNED THE FUCK out of that scared, oppressive, stress-y feeling (or any feeling for that matter, haha).
Stress is a state of mind, so is calm. I remembered (thanks to some harmonies not unlike THE VOICES OF ANGELS) that I can choose either.
Oh. I was NOT going to eat the whole bowl. FUUUUUUUCK.