Hating It All

Greetings, Sober Blog citizens! I have missed you, have you missed me?? (A little?? Come on, just a bit???) I have started posts in my head over the last few months but I simply could not be arsed to write them. NO CAN DO.

But here I am, mostly because my friend Beer Portal has somehow arsed herself to return to her blog and it has inspired me so THANK YOU, LOVEY.

I am cruising along towards completing my 2nd year of sobriety, getting ready to wrap it up in a month, and I’m here to tell ya it’s been a bit more of a challenge than the first year. Not staying sober, that’s not a thing. Frankly the thought of drinking horrifies me, no prob there. Just trying to figure out what the fuck I should do with myself now that I’m not insanely busy every minute of every day.

I somehow thought once I sold my old house that was sucking all my time, that I’d be free and I could finally relax . Which sounds like a REALLY GOOD IDEA. In theory. In practice, I have to beat myself into a “relaxed submission” (doesn’t that sound nice? Like something you might be offered at a swanky spa….)

Not that I don’t have projects. Oooohhh no. Because I certainly have plenty of those precious little project babies. However, at this point I’ve gone over so far into relax that I’m having a hard time getting the projects completed, then I have anxiety over that, then my eyes bug out, my head gets all hot and and I have to pop a couple kava and go into my bedroom and watch endless episodes of Star Trek on Netflix. You know, like one does.

I’m so worn out, I haven’t even tried to control and micro-manage a family holiday since the PATI (Passive Aggressive Turkey Incident of 2016). So you KNOW I’m not on my game.

In concert with the SYSB’s (second year sobriety blues) is this fucking endless winter that, for the PNW, started with pissing rain in October, which turned into snow, ice, freezing rain, flooding, windstorms and probably locusts, culminated in record breaking rainfall and low temperatures and general lack of sunlight, AND, is just now (literally this weekend) wrapping up. Which I hate. That is a LOT of commas back there. Sorry about that. Really bad sentence.

In fact, it’s 11am and I just had to TURN ON THE LIGHT next to me because it’s too dark to see. TOO DARK. WHINING A LOT. HATE IT.

And in accordance with the perpetual darkness and gloom (at one point I thought I might be on the set of Van Helsing) I cannot get enough sleep and now I fear that I am sleeping alcoholicly. Is that a thing? I don’t know, but if it is then I now have SOMETHING ELSE I HAVE TO QUIT. FUCK. I HATE THAT.

On the bright side (you knew there would be one), the redemption value on our recyclable cans and bottles and has doubled (from 5 cents each to 10 cents) so I feel like I’m getting ahead merely returning my obscene numbers of La Croix cans.

In the project area, I have 6 of 12 cabinet shelf slides installed in my kitchen, which is life-changing because now I barely have to bend over (which is another thing I hate doing- the list is soooo long) to get a taco seasoning packet out. Oh and I have a beach house (this is where you stop feeling sorry for me, grab your tweezers and carefully nab that tiny violin.)

I have spent this weekend cleaning my house. I may be depressed, but I at least I am no longer living in my own filth (and that of Mr. Betty). We went to the gym. I made tacos. It’s hard to be hateful with a taco in each hand.

Also, I have purchased some essential oil and diffusers and this has significantly improved my mood (and removed a lot of the taco smell from my house). If you are interested (in the diffusers, not my smelly tacos), I’ll be posting about it in Hammer Down. What the hell, maybe I’ll talk about my tacos, too.

The sun has returned for the moment, which bodes well for a possible garage cleaning (did I mention how much I hate the garage right now? SO MUCH).

If you are in a slump like moi, and you are starting to think that sobriety is doing this to you, I want you to know that you are DEAD ASS WRONG. This is life. It’s like this. And this is us. We’re like this. There is nothing about drinking that is going to improve any part of our lives. Alcohol encourages us to pretend that none of this shit is happening, and is the vehicle of neglect for any flavor of feeling. It seriously just makes you CARE LESS. And caring more is probably the way to go here.

I have about 8 million blogs to catch up on, a garage to clean (odds are looking good for that one) and people who feel less loved for my lack of trying to control their lives. So I need to get on that.

I hope everyone is hating it less than me and having a nice (and relatively un-annoying) spring.

 

 

 

 

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37 thoughts on “Hating It All

  1. I WAS thinking about you when I was looking at my old blogs – and made a mental note to check I hadn’t missed an entry cause it’s been aaagggess and then you wrote!! I was happy for a moment, then saw the title of your post :/ !! Still dark at 11am sounds horrible. And I thought it was bad in the UK! At least, and it’s a VERY BIG least you know it’s not being sober that’s making life a bit shit right now. I just finished my ice cream and thought how that’s what is shit in my life right now! Ha! Sorry, this has been a LONG week. Here’s to getting the spring in our steps back.. (terrible.. I’m going to stop now!!) xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I assure, the weather here is equally shitty. Haha! If ice cream is the worst we have to worry about, I guess we’re doing pretty well. And I know, I’m sucking as a blogger lately. I’ll try to do better!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Very true!! Work is my big ARRGGGHH right now – but 8 weeks. Then I’m out. Still, when you are in the middle of major work stress it permeates everything. Having a nice walk, feelin gcalm, then suddenly BAM!! 8 weeks. 8 weeks.. mantra!!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Boo-hoo about the weather!! Like MilesAwayGrrrl said, your winter sound like our YEAR LONG weather here in the UK. So no sympathy for you on that one AT ALL, suck it up and shut up when it reaches 80 and stays there for the summer while we are still wrinkly from being damp the whole time.
    As for the other blah-ness in your life, well that I gotta hand it to you does SUCK and I genuinely hope you get back to your “normal” self. It is life, isn’t it? So hard to realise/accept that after all this work getting sober only to find bits of life can still be crap! You will rise again like we do but maybe this is just another life recalibration and you have to wait until all the parts are retooled into the correct place. It sounds like you are going with the flow but still plodding along with what needs to be done ie not completely giving into the black dog.
    Keep plodding Betty and your zest for all things life will return when you least expect it.
    I did miss you, no one writes like you do (with a Kathy Griffin voiceover in my head) and it’s good to get an update.
    Thanks for all your help and advice re the asbestos garage. It’s down, I am undefeated and hopefully mesothelioma free.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes! I should have known it would be you who would play the world’s tiniest violin for me. Love it!! I will shut up when it reaches 80… Or will I gloat??? Who’s to say? HAHA!
      I still can believe you tore down your own poison garage, you are a DIY trooper!!

      Like

  3. WP hates me this morning. I typed a long response and tried to post it 2198750720538582 times, to no avail. So, if there are 2198750720538582 versions of one post, you’re welcome. (And, on a related note, I’m sorry.) We diffuse essential oil, too. When Cancer Pants was undergoing chemo, I mixed up Thieves Oil seemingly by the gallon (thanks, Google, and FUCK YOU, cost of Young Living oils), and had it running 24/7. THIEVES OIL CURED HIS CANCER. Just kidding. Cellular napalm and prayers killed his cancer. But Thieves Oil probably kept him from getting the stomach virus we all had FOUR FUCKING TIMES. They don’t make a Thieves Oil bubble hat for children, yet. YET. Also, I diffuse lavender, lemon, and peppermint, and it seriously makes the little mama cough/sneeze less, so it can’t be 100% Long Island Medium technology. (I actually kind of think that lady is real. Have you noticed that I like to disguise my deep hippie granola hoodoo beliefs behind a snark facade? Is it working?? Also, let’s write about the Long Island Medium.) Anyway. I feel you.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I bought the cheap oil, but then again I wasn’t fighting cancer, sooo….
      Don’t you hate it when WP fucks with you?
      The fact that you are dirty hippie does not detract from my love for you. Unless you stop shaving. Then we have to talk.

      Like

  4. You have no idea how much your post just brought me a feeling of connection. I’m not the only one feeling “In Funk”… Yep…Life is just…Life. Glad it’s May…..cause April was yuk… (I’ve never been excited for May…always called it MayHem…) Anyways…. your words have soothed me today. M

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Betty you are back! Even in your meh-ness (is that a word?) you’ve spread some light. I’ve been burning lavender oil by the bucket load. It does help me even if its a placebo at least its something I ‘can do’ to feel better without doing anything mind altering. Going to try the clary sage Anne suggests:) Look at us all sniffing essentail oils and feeling groovy. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’ve had several periods down in my sobriety – then I realised like you that this is life. I’ve been lucky to not pick up in those times – well not necessarily lucky because I’ve maintained that focus on being sober that helps keep the light on in the distance.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I watched all 7 seasons of NG last year, many for the first time since 1988, and I had some serious hair/shoulder pad flash backs. Now I’m watching Deep Space Nine. Voyager is next. Then I have all 4 seasons of Farscape!!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Yay! Thinking about you, especially since the Bear Poo. I am sick of the PNW weather too. My garden is stunted. And tacos. I love tacos.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m annoyed that I had to scroll down so far to make a comment. See? You’re not alone. And I am semi-retired in a house on a lake with beautiful weather but I am also dragging my feet on the many projects that I have assigned myself. AND since I hadn’t seen you blog in a while, I wondered if you had somehow blocked me, like you can do on Facebook. Or unfriended me. Is that even possible? Wait … don’t tell me. It’s one less thing to worry about.
    SO I am now going to hop over to your other blog because you made me want that diffuser thing through the power of suggestion. Ten seconds ago, I didn’t know it existed. Now I feel bereft without one. I am as whiney as you are! Do you feel better?

    Glad your back. xoxo!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahahaha!! I used to worry about being​ “blog-blocked” because someone didn’t like my comment. But then I was like FUCK EM IF THEY CAN’T TAKE A JOKE. So no, I will never black-blog you. I haven’t posted in hammer down yet, because I’m super lazy. But yes, you need one.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m relieved to hear that I have not been blog-blocked, by you at least. I’m OK with being blocked for joking around. I have had people do that in real life, so why not via blog?
        I am super lazy myself these days. Good luck with your inertia. I’m even too lazy to make sense. This is the weakest comment ever but I have no will to improve it.
        Help.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I should be writing stuff down, like you said. Do you remember those crayons for the shower they used to have, you know for kids? I could get those and then make my notes while the conditioner is in my hair..

      Like

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