The Sinking of the Bismarck and Other Tales…

More specifically: an actual, delicious, custard filled, chocolate fudge covered Bismarck FRICKING DONUT. In my belly. And it were tasty.

Normally, I try to stay away from donuts, fricking or otherwise. Unless they are VERY GOOD DONUTS and then I make an exception. In this scenario, there happened to be a box of uneaten pastry units from a nearby meeting room. In most cases, by the time the meeting is over and the donuts are discarded they are of NO VALUE, being dry and certainly not worth 300 calories. HOWEVER, not only was there a jewel of a sugary morsel available (said Bismarck), these units were from the very best local donut monger (Roth’s, if you’re local or passing through Salem for an eclipse- more on that later).

So in spite of the fact that I’ve been attempting to diet, there have been quite a few exceptions lately. And I have to wonder if the dieting is worth being unfriendly with the donuts. Because DONUTS.

So when I read Total Fatty, a blog by my friend Ingrid, at first I didn’t really think it had anything to do with me. I told myself:  I don’t have a problem with dieting or my relationship with food. I’m just trying to get into a size 8. I just want to look good in a selfie at ANY ANGLE WITHOUT A STICK. I just want to look like a SUPER MODEL. WTF IS SO WRONG WITH THAT?

So she wrote this amazing post about body dysmorphia. Really good post that got my brain-hamster all riled up. To be clear, I think I have the opposite of this. Let’s call it “body utopia”, whereby I am pretty sure I look BETTER than I actually do. You see a lot of this at the Walmart. BU is uniquely responsible for the entire muffin-top epidemic, skinny jeans, and men’s non-competition Speedo briefs. Perhaps you or someone you love suffer from BU. BU is magically cured by fluorescent lights and multi-angle mirrors in department store dressing rooms.

Regardless, reading Ingrid’s blog has made me question my unending desire to be smaller than I am (in spite of my self-diagnosed BU). The only thing I can really come up with is that I have an entire wardrobe waiting for me in the “correct” size. However, if I already had the same wardrobe in the size I’m in now, I wonder if I would bother. But even as I question my motives to lose weight (or rather a clothing size and some of the gelatinous-ness of my mid-area) I then question my motives to give up. Is it because of donuts (and peanut M & M’s and frappuccinos)? Am I lazy? Sick of going to the gym? ALL OF THE ABOVE?? And then what happens when I get there? Do I beat every extra kilo off my ass with a stick?? Do I fight constantly to keep control of the hill? IT’S EXHAUSTING.

Now then, because I don’t drink booze, I have A LOT OF ROOM to think about this shit in the mind-space previously occupied by the obsessive circular alcoholic thought-vortex (OCATV). You may have recently escaped from this. You may still be in it. Personally, worrying about eating a goddam M&M is infinitely preferable to the OCATV.

So here we are again, all of us enjoying my first-world problems. The takeaway here is that no matter what I eat or what I weigh or give up, whether or not I count calories or bench press (UPWARDS OF 55 POUNDS!!), I’m never going to have to worry about the OCATV again. It makes everything else seem quite manageable by comparison. Additionally, I have very good photo editing app on my phone that allows me to modify not only an unfortunate double chin showing, but the crypt-keeper-like wrinkles on my mug. Get one!

In other news, I had a LEVEL 3 PMSI (“pms incident”) a few weeks ago, involving another employee whom I felt was being an unreasonable and difficult asshole. I’m afraid the bitch-o-meter may have spiked at some point. I’m not sure because I don’t actually remember most of it (except for my head exploding). However, at one point, my co-worker became my handler. So this is a PSA: if you have LEVEL 3 PMS (or the male version–don’t pretend like you don’t know what I mean, guys) then do yourself and everyone else a favor and STAY THE FUCK HOME. By the way, Mr. Betty was thrilled (and simultaneously horrified) that someone else caught the PMS train.

Too bad that fucker didn’t catch me on Donut Day.

 

 

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18 thoughts on “The Sinking of the Bismarck and Other Tales…

  1. I love your posts. I will have to read about 10 more times to actually get all the awesomeness of if.
    I’m jealous you are near the eclipse. And can eat donuts.
    That said, being donut free has not turned me into and instant super model. So I would definitely stick with an occasional indulgence.

    Hugs
    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Ooh, ooh, me too!! Can my fat ass join you please??
        Like Anne I do need to reread to get the full awesomeness of your posts. Although my favourite has always been a chocolate frosted cake donut.
        On the day I gave birth to my daughter I had a full on “call the police” meltdown in Dunkin Donuts when I went in for my daily chocolate frosted cake donut and they had sold out. Phrases like “what is the matter with you people? Can’t you just make more?” oh and the shameful “why are you doing this to me?” They GAVE me a box of 12 assorted donuts as the manager escorted me to my car in tears (me not her) saying it was probably just the hormones but please don’t talk to my staff like that again. Daughter gets a real kick out of that birthday story.
        NEVER underestimate the power of sugar ha ha.

        Liked by 3 people

  2. Excellent topic today from doughnuts to OCATV! You do learn something new each day and the OCATV sent me into the internet black hole looking for more info. It appears you are coining new phrases with their own acronyms, which impresses me to no end, but might I suggest a glossary of terms following your posts to save us from having to go find the source? They are beginning to stack up. Here is a useful tool I came across if you have a ‘friend’ who might be worried about obsessive thoughts about drinking. https://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/AssessingAlcohol/InstrumentPDFs/45_OCDS.pdf
    Now if you could find me a decent chocolate eclair with the true custard filling somewhere besides the little strip mall bakery in Tehachipi,CA, I visited about 30 years ago, I would be indebted. Love your posts. Thanks for being a light on the path.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. OCATV – Love it!
    You brightened my day. “Extremes” of anything can be an unhealthy way to go about living, give yourself a little wiggle room, enjoy life, don’t feel guilty for the occasional pleasure or indulgence – being stuck in that headspace is never fun. C’est la vie!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. “Sober Eclipse” – got to be a song lyric I can make out of that somewhere… thanks.

    I have “body utopia” too (never knew it was called that) – see you know those buff guys who adverstise hair products, deodorant, cars, men’s fragrances etc. Well I’m just like them you see – from a certain angle it’s all to do with the lighting, focal length and angle you know…

    Hey move that mirror… 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  5. When I saw that you had posted, I had to wait until I had a totally uninterrupted half-hour to really enjoy it … like savoring a good book. And I was not disappointed! And I was also enlightened. For I, too, have BU. I also have FU. (Face Utopia) I still think I look kind of youngish, despite evidence from every mirror in America that this is not the case. I will continue to power through, however, with Photoshop. The outside world will never know what I really look like, and I’m at peace with that.

    But the sugar thing. You really convicted me there. (We like to throw around the word “convicted” here in the evangelical south.) I was convicted because I cannot laugh off my sugar habit any longer. I just went to the mountains to detox from sugar, although I had somewhat of a relapse yesterday, when I bought, and then threw away, one of those sandle-shaped sugar cookies from Panera. I only had half, but still … a slip is a slip. But it’s all OK now, because as you pointed out: I have no OCATV! I need to keep that front and center when I beat myself up over my sugar addiction (or BU or FU).

    Thanks for the Monday morning hilarity, ‘Betty’! 😊

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hahaha!! I wish I had FU, but that’s why I have the editing app. You have to try it! I think it’s FotoRus. I did my new profile pic with it.
      I didn’t know the answer to sugar addiction was “going to the mountains”, but that sounds nice!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m going to use it to doctor up my “speaking” photo. I was going to try to get a photographer that would come up with something more in line with what I see via FU, but this ap seems a lot easier.
        Yep, going to the mountains is a great way to get rid of sugar. I also got rid of meat there. It’s a Hindu retreat-type thing with no alcohol, meat, or sugary stuff. It’s all vegetarian ayurvedic cooking, and it makes you feel amazing. So I am now one week sugar-free (except for the cookie), and am waking up at 3:30 am with lots of energy. So it does have it’s down side.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. LMAO about the BU at WalMart and the skinny jeans and Speedos. Awesome! The reason I can’t gain or lose weight is because I love my wardrobe too much and I gave away all my clothes that were too big or too small. I am at the lowest weight I can maintain. My ideal weight is about 10 pounds less, but I can’t stay there. I bounce right back to where I am now. Even staying here takes effort — no donuts, ever. Sad, I know.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Level 3 PMS is a new one. Think I’ve reached that, it’s getting worse the older I get. Had an incident the other day, road rage — got out of my car and almost accosted a builder in a white van who made a dangerous turn and almost caused an accident. Found myself f-ing and blinding – dude, what the f-ck are you doing I’ve got kids in the car! The irony wasn’t completely lost on me that my little darlings were sitting in the backseat getting a first rate lesson in profanity from mommy dearest.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Looooooove!!! And relate to everything. Gah. 😊 I was just trying to explain BU to the Hubs the other day – I love how you said it. I will refer him back to you. heehee. Thank you, Betty-Christina. ☺️ -HM.

    Liked by 1 person

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